Grieving is Part of Healing
by Francie Bennett, MSW
You and your loved ones may have strong feelings about each new symptom or change of the MS in your family. It is normal to grieve important changes and losses in life. It is important to let yourself and your family feel and accept the feelings in order to move forward.
Grief Feelings Include:
Shock, numbness or initial disbelief.
Denial - not accepting the disease or symptoms and life changes.
Examples: not believing the person needs as much rest or help as they do or insisting on doing more than you can or not accepting or being honest with yourself and your loved ones about your emotions.
We deny because we're afraid, to protect ourselves from something we don't feel we can handle just yet, to avoid rejection, etc.
Extra Anger at family, God, others, or doctors for not curing the problems, doing what we want, reading our minds, etc. sometimes anger at the MS gets misdirected.
Example: you "explode" over something small like the dishes not getting done on time when that's not what you're really upset about. What you may be really upset about is a combination of: the MS, the bills you're not sure how to pay, your friends avoiding you, the kids acting out their fear and anger, your sex life losing it's zest because of pain and fatigue, not enough communication in your family may be making all of this harder and harder to cope with.
Frustration with changes, difficulty accomplishing tasks, dealing with family and others reactions, etc.
Guilt about the MS, not feeling like you're doing enough to help or "pull your weight," your reactions to others, (example: anger outbursts), the kids unmet needs, etc.
Resentment about others expectations or demands on you, resenting
feeling guilty, about being patronized or pitied, the way MS has changed your life.
Sadness about the losses, and changes. About how other people (in or out of your family) treat you.
Accepting the MS/symptoms, changes and other realities of your life - as it exists now. (This does not mean liking the MS, of course!)
Transformation - creating a new life for yourself and with your loved ones. This new life may have many aspects of our old life and some new ways of being together and coping with the MS. This is a challenge to further develop and use: your love, openness, strengths, creativity, flexibility, communication skills, compassion, sensitivity, reason, humor, self-esteem, and mutual respect. These skills and sensitivities can help your family deal with the feelings listed earlier.
There is no set order to the above feelings. Family members (and friends) are often feeling and dealing with different feelings at different times. This can be stressful and confusing, but if you can accept these feelings as a natural process and deal with them, you and your family can move beyond the grief to acceptance, and reclaim your lives.
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The Multiple Sclerosis Association of King County
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